Who am I?
I eat an egg in the morning, with a wheat bagel covered with bacon and white cheddar cream cheese. I love eggs, and sometimes I eat them with toast, but I can eat an egg every day and never get tired of them. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day. I generally derive no pleasure from making or eating food. I am holding out for the day where they make an 1800 calorie pill you can take like a vitamin, or the day where I evolve to the point where I can get my energy from the sun like plants. I love coffee. I would drink it exclusively if I didn't know that I needed to drink water sometimes. I love the smell, but I also love the taste. I used to use an insane amount of sugar in my coffee until my mom pointed it out to me. That was several years ago. I went from that to simply coffee and milk. I use a spoonful of sugar or honey in tea occasionally but not often.
I have a cat, Mickey, and he is the love of my life. He turned fourteen this year, and he has been with me in good times and bad. I have moved him more times than I can count on two hands, and he has seen at least ten states because I recently dragged him to California with me. He still loves me despite all of this and tolerates my loving on him several times a day with no complaint. He is smart and sweet and adorable. He comes when I call him. He lets me give him Methimazole and Insulin twice a day with no fuss, and he tolerates my not cleaning his litter as often as I should when I am caught up doing things like writing or reading. He is one of the biggest reasons I am still tolerating 3D. I promised him I would take care of him.
I love writing, reading (especially non-fiction), listening to music, and walking. I have strived to learn about myself through writing in journals and reading books on things like spirituality, manifesting your reality, living a more conscious life, things like that. I also write poetry, and I have been doing that for twenty-two years. I am pretty good now. I can whip out a good poem in a few minutes. I love music. All genres of music. Even country occasionally, though I avoid it for the most part. But I will listen to anything with a good beat and great lyrics. I love walking. I could walk forever, or at least as long as my feet would let me. I enter into a trance when I walk, my mind and body slowing down into a deep trance-like rhythm. I call it walking meditation.
I don't sleep well. I usually toss and turn and hear every little noise. When I am asleep, I dream constantly, and that seems to be as tiring as not sleeping at all. I refuse to take medication, though, because I think it all just a part of my body changing with all of the new energy coming into our solar system. My body is changing, and I am just trying to go with the flow. Sometimes it is uncomfortable, but mostly it is like white noise.
I love my family and the few friends I have, but sometimes they drive me crazy. And sometimes I just want to go off and live in a cave and not have to think about another person. When I snap at someone I love or think a judgmental thought about them or wish they could be a little more understanding, I realize I am not living the Golden Rule. Then I start feeling guilty because I know I am lucky and blessed to have people in my life who care for me. And I know how annoying I can be, so I know people have these not-so-flattering thoughts towards me at times as well. I guess this is all just a part of the human experience as well. I need to fully embrace the dark parts of myself. There are still a few dark corners in my mind I have not yet shed light on. I am a work in progress.
I have had some recent revelations lately about judging other people. I have had some experiences that have opened my eyes to the fact that the world is not black/white, good/bad, right/wrong, but a series of grey in between the extremes. I grasp this concept, but the execution has been a little elusive. I have been trying very hard not to judge other people or even experiences, but I don't always succeed. Every day, I realize how much more I need to grow, evolve, and learn. Every day is a chance to get to know myself a little better.
I strive to be a good person, and I know I am a Divine Spark. I guess I am really struggling to live between two worlds-3D and my hope for a better world (4D/5D). I am human, more human than I can handle sometimes. Like right now, my hormones are out of control. I would really love to have some hot, no strings attached sex. But then I start feeling guilty, like an enlightened person would be able to control these urges. But I really feel like I am missing something. Ultimately, I am a God particle having a human experience, and I should just go ahead and have that hot sex. And I want to help people, but at the same time, I am struggling to maintain calm and balance in my own life, and I start feeling guilty for being selfish for concentrating on myself.
I am striving to find joy in every moment, but I have not been doing a good job of that lately. I have been struggling with some serious issues with the current reality. I am increasingly finding it hard to live in 3D. It is literally painful, and my body and mind are experiencing a disconnect. But I am trying. As long as I am here, I am trying to find joy and make up my own rules, which leads me back to the sex. If having sex brings me joy, and believe me it would, then how can it be bad? I have been thinking more than feeling. I am just going to have to let me be me and see where this is all leading.